I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
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My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
Morning my dudes.
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
Walking in the woods, 4-year-old asked if I would carry her armful of rocks. I said no. She asked if I would carry her sweatshirt. I said yes. She handed me her sweatshirt (filled with rocks).
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.