Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
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imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
Doctor: You’ve got cancer.
Me: *slides a twenty across the examining table*
Doctor: What’s this for?
Me: Say something else.
Doctor: You’ve got shingles, too.
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon