🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
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Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…