What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
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How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
A sick whale is called an unwhale
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.