Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
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“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!