[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
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We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.