A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
You Might Also Like
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade