The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
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I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
I wish this was real life…
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
The Sun
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”