Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
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I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
Florida man
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
But wait…
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate