Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
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Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
*limbos under the caution tape
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
mathematically impossible
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty