I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
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This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.