*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
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During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
“you should exercise for at least 30 minutes every day” ok and how much if you’re not trying to go to the olympics ?
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered