[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
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Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out