Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
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what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
When life hands you women, make women laid.
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about