What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
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When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not