[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
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Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”