“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
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Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero