[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
You Might Also Like
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.