[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
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Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
welp
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”