Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
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I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
Meowchelangelo
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*