cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
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I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
Ah yes. The three genders
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
My 6 year old asked to play charades with me yesterday. At first she was trapped behind an invisible wall, then suddenly she was eating soup, then driving a car. She dismissed each guess as completely absurd. Finally, frustrated by my ballerina guess, she said, “I’M A MIME, DAD!”
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
Banking tips
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.