I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
You Might Also Like
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.