*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
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*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
What number SPF blocks people?
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!