No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
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Kermit goes Blue.
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers