How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
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I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.