INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
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me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.