Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
You Might Also Like
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”