Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
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I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course