7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
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If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.