Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
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my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
still the best tweet of the year by far
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.