How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
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Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
#NeverForget
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day