Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
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Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems