I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
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Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day