[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
You Might Also Like
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
I need this for my side hustle.
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
😂😂
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.