Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
You Might Also Like
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg