Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
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I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
Beards are a privilege, not a right
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.