Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
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[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!