Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
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Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
Mmmm. Shoeshi
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…