me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
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My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.