Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
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Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
Why is everyone getting married at me
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.