What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
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the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.