put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
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You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.