The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
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*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”