The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
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My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it