cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
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Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?