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I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.