You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
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I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.