How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
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Social Media and Real life
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
Me: Busy day?
Singer: Working on my scales
Map maker: Same
Scale maker: Same
Mountain climber: Same
Guy who draws fish: Same
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
Peter Parker Peter Driver
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
The three genders.
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.