Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
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The worst thing about having poison ivy on my face is that I can’t shave.
The second worst thing is people asking me what kind of craft beer I make.
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain