I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
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COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
Would you wear it?
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room